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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30099249">Ballade</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dao_means_star/pseuds/Dao_means_star'>Dao_means_star</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Author Is Sleep Deprived, Depressed Han Jisung | Han, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Poetry, Light Angst, Medical Inaccuracies, Mentioned Stray Kids Ensemble, Mother Hen Bang Chan, Overdosing, Overthinking, Platonic Relationships, Recovery, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Stray Kids Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Worried Stray Kids Ensemble</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:46:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,839</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30099249</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dao_means_star/pseuds/Dao_means_star</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jisung knows all - maybe a bit too well.<br/>How can he not, when he lays wide awake everynight thinking?</p><p>He knows all, all but himself</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Han Jisung | Han &amp; Everyone, Han Jisung | Han/Everyone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>82</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ballade</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey, I'm new to the fandom so I don't really know if I hit the characters right &gt;∆&lt;</p><p>English is not my first language and is infact, like my sixth language but please do support me and of course, request are appreciated unless specified why!</p><p>Warning : work may contain triggering issues such as depression and suicide</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I know flies in milk.<br/>
Specks against white.<br/>
I know, I know it.<br/>
I know a man by his clothes.<br/>
Even I know that much.<br/>
I know fair weather from foul.<br/>
I know that.<br/>
I know the apple by the tree.<br/>
That I know.<br/>
I know who labor and who loafs.<br/>
I know all.<br/>
All save myself.<br/>
I know all things.<br/>
I know pink cheeks from wan.<br/>
I know death who devours all.<br/>
I know everything.<br/>
Everything but myself.</p><p>- François Villon</p><p>He read it again for the nth time, the words already carved to his brain. He knows the poem, memorized every single line - he knows it more than himself.</p><p>He drop the book, too tired to even hold the crumpled sheets of words.</p><p>Jisung lay on his bed, eyes wide awake at 3 in the morning despite the shaking of his limb - too tired to even care</p><p>His mind are just too much, too tired..too loud</p><p>And so he lies there, thinking about all he knows.</p><p>He knows Chan who stays up late to produce songs in the studio, working more than he should.</p><p>He knows Hyunjin who hates himself, not liking the way he's "just a pretty face"</p><p>He knows, he knows it.</p><p>He knows Seungmin who is insecure, feeling invisible when he stands beside the members.</p><p>He knows Jeongin who tries to shrink himself, making him smaller than he should.</p><p>He knows, he knows it all.</p><p>He knows Minho who feels heavy, burdening too much of thoughts inside him.</p><p>He knows Felix who practices till dawn, still haunted by the thought of being kicked out again.</p><p>He knows Changbin who cries himself to sleep sometimes, thinking he failed in life</p><p>He knows, he knows it.<br/>
He knows it all, all but himself.</p><p>He doesn't know why he's so insecure, nor why he's so burdened - even why he's still breathing.</p><p>He doesn't knows himself - but maybe he didn't need to anymore. He made a decision..</p><p>He'll go today.</p><p>_____</p><p>"Jisung, pay attention!" Chan voice echoed through the practice room.</p><p>Jisung glares at his reflection in the mirror, moves now sharper and more energetic - he couldn't dissapoint his members, not on his last day.</p><p>When the song finally finished, he let himself fall on the floor, taking a deeper breath. He looks around the room noticing how Felix is mumbling his part in the song, afraid of future mistake.</p><p>He sees Seungmin trying to make a conversation with Jeongin, trying to be noticed and Jeongin who's pinching his wrist, calculating his size.</p><p>He sees Minho, Chan and Changbin huddled together - not wanting to be alone with thoughts</p><p>He sees Hyunjin sitting Infront of the mirror, glaring at himself.</p><p>And he huffs, feeling selfish. Other has it harder than him, who doesn't even know what he's feeling but already decided to not feel it anymore. The others doesn't deserves this - so he stands.</p><p>He walked to Seungmin and Jeongin,</p><p>"Hey Seungmin, you did good today"<br/>
And he sees the way Seungmin burst into a smile</p><p>He sits beside Jeongin, taking his wrist away to stop Jeongin from pinching it. And he kiss the wrist.</p><p>"Don't hurt yourself, you're beautiful"</p><p>Then he walk to Hyunjin, sitting Infront him to block the mirror.</p><p>"You know you're more than that, you're amazing"</p><p>Then to Felix, handing him a bottle of water<br/>
"Don't work too hard, you've done great"</p><p>Then finally to the three, cuddling them into a hug<br/>
"Take a rest, you deserves it"</p><p>And one by one, everyone come into the circle - making a big hug of 8 people</p><p>And Jisung almost feels bad, he almost rethink his decision.</p><p>____</p><p>But here he's 3 hours later, locked in a bathroom. The dorm are quiet except the few voices of the members in the kitchen, and some in the living room - everyone is tired from practice.</p><p>But Jisung is more tired, and it's not because of practice. He's tired of his own mind, tired of knowing all, all but himself. He's tired of living.</p><p>Taking one finale look at the mirror, he let out a breath.</p><p>Eight slightly wrinkled envelopes of notes in hand, Jisung places them on top of a towel - making sure it's not wet. Seven for the members, one for his family.</p><p>Then he grabbed a bottle of antidepressant pills, and a bottle of painkillers. Knowing his stomach will bleed from the combination.</p><p>Piling more pills onto his palm, way more than he should. Then he brought it to his mouth - taking three at a time.</p><p>Three, water, swallow<br/>
He's empty</p><p>Three, water, swallow<br/>
He's worthless</p><p>Three, water, swallow<br/>
A waste of space</p><p>Three, water, swallow<br/>
A disappointment</p><p>Three, water, swallow<br/>
He knows all, all but himself</p><p>And he drops to the floor with a loud thud</p><p>___</p><p>Felix shoot up from the couch, eyes wandering around to see if anyone else heard it</p><p>"Minho, you heard that?" He asked but dissatisfied when he sees the fellow shaking his head - clearly just woke up</p><p>So he tap Changbin's shoulder but groaned again when Changbin just stirred in his sleep.</p><p>He walked to the kitchen, greeted by Jeongin who's staring hard at his wrist</p><p>"Innie, you heard Sungie.. you're beautiful, stop- stop doubting that" </p><p>Jeongin just crack a smile, mumbling that he knows and he won't anymore.</p><p>"You want chicken?" Hyunjin asked from the eating table, companied by Chan and Seungmin who's eating the delivered fried chickens</p><p>"No, I'm not hungry" , He simply answered.</p><p>"Promise this is not one of those 'diet' ? I'm not letting any of my members on that lane again" , the leader let out in between chews.</p><p>"No, actually I'm here because I thought someone fell.."</p><p>"Oh? We're okay here though" ,  Jeongin shuffled from his spot to Felix, holding his hands.</p><p>"What's wrong?", He asked the now unfocused Aussie.</p><p>Felix's face wrinkled into a frown - something is wrong. He made a quick calculation in his mind and shoot a trembling look at Chan.</p><p>"Where is Jisung?"<br/>
He asked, a memory of Jisung flashed through his mind - this is so not right. Jisung was acting weird today, so calm yet unfocused.</p><p>He practically run his way through the dorm, checking the living room again just incase. Then the rooms, Jisung's bed awfully neat contrasting the rest but still no sight of Jisung.</p><p>"Bathroom.." , he said to no one</p><p>Making a careful steps to the bathroom, he knocks.</p><p>"...Sungie?"</p><p>No answer but the door were locked.</p><p>"Jisung?!" He knocked harder, making the rest of the members confused and worried - they all stands beside him.</p><p>"what's wrong?" , Seungmin broke the silence.</p><p>"He is not answering" , he said. Hands still banging the door.</p><p>"Move" Changbin said before kicking the knob multiple time, the rest give him space.</p><p>The knob fell down, and Changbin push the door with his side a few more times before it opened with a force.</p><p>Felix walked in, not prepared for the sight.</p><p>Jisung were sprawled on the floor, body jerking at times, mouth bubbling with his vomits at the side of his face.. eyes threatening to close</p><p>And Felix let out a scream, making the others panic and rush inside</p><p>Then it was all a blur, someone is screaming to the phone, a few let out a choked sobs, one tries to wake Jisung and another wrapping Felix in a hug. It was a blur and now they're at the hospital with their manager - waiting hopelessly.</p><p>"Guardian for Han Jisung?"</p><p>Everyone shoot up from their spot, wanting to see their angel as soon as possible.</p><p>"We're here for him" , Chan choked out</p><p>"Mr.Han has swallowed a bunch of pills, which we've identified as antidepressant and painkillers..it caused an injury in his inner stomach but we've successfully pumped it out. He actually flat lined twice while we were at it but for now, Mr.Han is sleeping. You may visit him in a few hours"</p><p>It felt like a dagger through their hearts, they almost lost him. They almost-</p><p>Felix let out a choked up sobs, and soon they're all huddled together in a wet hug - drenched in tears. They cried even more when they finally see Jisung, face pale and sleeping wordlessly. And they cries again in their sleep, waiting for Jisung.</p><p>___</p><p>Jisung mind were blank, and for the first time in forever..</p><p>He knows nothing, nothing but himself.</p><p>He knows why he's pale, he knows why he's in the hospital, he knows why his head pounded, and his stomach ached and his whole body is numb. He knows nothing, nothing but himself.</p><p>He doesn't know why his members is here, or why they're frowning in their sleep, nor why they're drenched in sweat and tears.</p><p>He knows nothing, nothing but himself.</p><p>"Sungie.."</p><p>He looks to the left, where Chan is sitting looking so tired</p><p>"Why are you here?"</p><p>All he got was a choking sobs from Chan</p><p>"We thought we lost you, we thought we failed- and I feel- I thought- Jisung, never do that again! I don't wanna lose you..we don't wanna lose you, everyone were scared- the world crumbled down- I was so scared, don't leave me" </p><p>Chan stumbled around his words, begging Jisung to stay.</p><p>And turns out, Jisung doesn't know all.. he didn't know Chan cares. He didn't know his members cares. He didn't know he meant so much. He knows nothing, nothing but what he cared enough to know - stupid</p><p>Jisung broke into tears, awakening the other members.</p><p>"I'm sorry" He sobbed as they pulled him into a hug, drawing kisses on his face, his wrist.</p><p>"That's okay, it's okay if you don't feel okay. We'll understand, we're here for you" , they reassure him and he.. he feels loved. And he knows he is.</p><p>____</p><p>It has been 167 days, 4 hours and 58 minutes since he once gave up.</p><p>He still struggles sometimes, felt like he knows too much or nothing at all somedays.<br/>
He still broke down or bottles everything up, still broken. On those days, he lay on his bed - wide awake at 3 am. But not because he's contemplating his life.</p><p>Because he's smiling while the members cuddled him, humming  soothing tune and kissing him safe. Because he know that he's recovering and they're too. Because he feels safe, and the other are too.</p><p>Because he now know soothing lullaby,<br/>
Kisses on cheeks<br/>
He know, he know it.<br/>
He still doesn't know his will in life,<br/>
Doesn't know that one smiley staff,<br/>
Doesn't know what word fit his lyrics yet,<br/>
He doesn't know that.<br/>
He knows the journey of recovery<br/>
That he know.<br/>
He know his favourite candy but not cake<br/>
He doesn't know it all<br/>
All and himself.<br/>
But he knows he is okay<br/>
He knows the members has troubles they're afraid to share,<br/>
And he doesnt know all about those.<br/>
He knows how to listen,<br/>
But doesn't know words about his feelings<br/>
He knows some, but not all. Not even himself<br/>
But that's fine, he has times to know</p>
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